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Assertiveness

“You should be more assertive.” This is a common phrase that you may have heard, but what exactly does it mean, and how can you put it into action? 

Assertiveness is a social and communication skill that can be learnt and practised. It is associated with self-confidence, improved communication and honest relationships. Assertiveness is a means of expressing your needs and communicating, in such a way that you respect both yourself and others. 

It’s easier to see what makes assertiveness different when it’s compared to other types of communication. There are three main types of communicating:

  1. Being aggressive
  2. Being assertive
  3. Being passive / non-assertive

Aggressive behaviour and communication violates the other person’s rights, involves attacking, blaming, judging and controlling. It is based on the aggressive person’s need to have their own needs met at the expense of others.

Assertive behaviour means being firm and standing up for your own rights and those of others. This is done in a way that is calm, direct and positive.

Non-assertive / passive communication is apologetic, reserved, and self limiting. Some consequences of non assertive behaviour are; anxiety low self-esteem, depression, anti-social or aggressive behaviour.

Practice

Just like with any skill, being assertive takes practice. Using the recipe above, try practicing with an understanding friend or family member. Alternatively, try practicing some scenarios in your head, and figuring out what you would say and how others might respond. Using it in real life may feel awkward at first, and people may be surprised if this is not your usual way of communicating. While it may take you a while to get used to assertive communication, there are many benefits to having acquired this skill. 

Benefits of being assertive:

  • Feeling happy with yourself.
  • Feeling calm and in control.
  • Better self-image and self-worth.
  • Prevent stress related problems.
  • Active participation and decision making in relationships.

References: Transnet Foundation (Health Portfolio) & Oosterbroek, C. (Eds.). (2009). Conflict Management & Assertiveness. In Phelophepha Health Care Train; Psychology Outreach Programme, p. 40-47.

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