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Conflict Management

Conflict management infographic

 

Conflict is a reality of life. It can provide healthy chances for learning and growth, but if we do not know how to deal with it, it can become negative and destroy relationships. Conflict situations differ, so there is no single way of solving all conflicts.

Conflict is:

  • A struggle between at least two parties who perceive incompatible goals, resources, and an interference from the other party in achieving their goals.
  • The difference in opinion, values and norms that occur within: an individual, between two individuals, within a team of individuals or within an organisation.

Conflict can be both negative and positive

Positive aspects of conflict:

  • It allows people to voice their concerns / feelings. 
  • It can bring about good change.
  • It is a survival strategy.
  • Conflict can strengthen relationships (learn about others and yourself).
  • There is a sense of achievement when conflict is resolved.

Negative aspects of conflict:

  • There is a personal attack, blaming or judging.
  • It leaves scars (hurts the other emotionally or mentally).
  • It can become the only way to communicate one’s needs.
Different ways of reacting to conflict

People react differently to conflict. This occurs for various reasons, e.g. personality, the situation and current stress levels amongst other factors. It is helpful to understand the different ways in which one can react to conflict:

Smoothing:
  • Gives up own / personal goals in order to maintain the relationship at the highest possible level. 
  • When the goal is not important but the relationship is, e.g. when a friend feels strongly about something and you couldn’t care less smoothing is a good approach.
Negotiating:
  • Negotiates with the aim of both parties fully meeting their goals.
  • The relationship is maintained at the highest level.
  • When both the goal and the relationship are important.
  • Agreement satisfies both and resolves tension and negative feelings.
Compromising:
  • Handles conflict by giving up part of the goal and the relationship. Both are moderately important. E.g. sharing a study space with a fellow student.
Withdrawing:
  • Gives up both the goals and the relationship and avoids the person and the issue. 
  • Best response if, for example, avoiding a hostile stranger.
  • It is also useful to withdraw from conflict until you are in control of your feelings.
Forcing:
  • Tries to achieve goals at all costs, demanding the other party lets them have their way.
  • No concern for how much it hurts the relationship; the goal is more important than the relationship.
What to do if Conflict Arises
  1. Clarify your messages. A clear message involves a respectful but direct expression of your wants and needs. Take some time to identify what you really want before talking to the other party. Work on being able to describe your request in clear and specific terms.
  2. Agree to disagree and move on. Some issues can never be completely agreed upon. Rather than continuing a cycle of repeated fights, agree to disagree and negotiate a compromise of find a way to work around the issue.
  3. Discuss one thing at a time. It can be tempting to list your concerns or grievances, but doing so will likely prolong an argument. Do your best to keep the focus on resolving one concern at a time.
  4. Really listen. Focus on trying to really hear what the other party is saying without becoming defensive. It may be good to sum up what you understood, e.g. “So what I’m hearing you say is…”.
  5. Restrain yourself. Usually it’s best to not say all the angry things that you may be thinking.
  6. Adopt a “Win-Win” position. A “win-win” stance means that your goal is for the relationship, rather than for either partner, to ‘win’ in a conflict situation. Ask yourself, “Is what I am about to say (or do) going to increase or decrease the odds that we’ll work this problem out?”

Remember these 5 steps:

  1. Define the conflict situation together: "What do you want, how you feel and listen to each party’s point of view."
  2. Exchange reasons for your positions:  "Say why you have the need / envisioned goal and ask questions."
  3. Understand the other person’s perspective: "Listen to all sides, put yourself in their shoes."
  4. Find options for mutual gain: "Look for several possible options in which both parties will gain something. Look at the obstacles and the possible agreements."
  5. Reaching a wise agreement: "One that is fair to all, 'win-win'."
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